Lessons from Coco

Sweet Coco. How I loved you. Your spunk and sass, so incredibly stubborn. Who knew you'd be the start of my love of minis?

That first day the kids told me you'd been so cute rolling and rolling all day my heart sank. I knew you were in trouble. 

I can't believe as I sit here looking back how significant your last days were. There was so much purpose. So many things you taught me. 

The hardest night you suffered so. My bantamine (horse pain meds) was up at Jen's. She brought it down. The Lord knew I would need her. He knew 2 months before when I forgot it on the top of her fridge. He knew before the foundation of the world was formed. He saw me in one of my darkest moments and He provided for me. 

You sweet girl were a reason I could cry. Cry for all the pain I held for all those years. All the hurt, all the fear. When you have bottled emotions for that many years it feels like you are dying as it is released. The amount of actual physical pain and the inability to breath truly made me wonder if I could survive the intensity of release. In that deep moment when I was raw and vulnerable, every lie, every dark thought, every word negatively spoken attacked my mind. I was so afraid that I would never escape the darkness. 

Laying on the ground next to you, sobbing, gasping, 30 degrees, I was confronted with all my thoughts of inadequacy. All the ways I've failed, all the pain ripping me apart, I was scooped into strong arms. Held like a baby, truth whispered over me. Calling me back to truth, pulling me from darkness. I slowly calmed. Truth overcoming. There you were sweet girl. The reason I could cry, confront the lies, release the pain. Find truth. 

I begged the Lord for your life. I could do nothing to save you. I had to face the truth that although I have always felt in control, like I could do something to make life better, in reality I am not. 

I remember sitting with you, my mind in turmoil. How was I going to fix this?? I looked into your eyes and knew. I had to surrender. Surrender you to the Lord, hold your life with open hands, breath deep and choose to trust. It's not easy for me. I always take care of it, get it done.

My lesson in surrender wasn't just for you. My whole life needed to be surrendered. I needed to give up the false sense of control. 

There is nothing that I control. To give that up releases me from the burden of carrying something that isn't mine to hold. I am not God and that burden was crushing me. I held so tightly to it even thought the Lord's hand, so gently outstretched, beckoned for me to surrender. Give Him the burden and rest. Peace waiting to replace the heaviness. Why do I hold so tightly to the things that hinder me the most?

Good bye sweet girl and thank you for passing through and teaching me so much.